Conversations with the Teen: Camping

Teen Boy (storming around): WHERE’S THE WATERPROOF MAP?
Me: I don’t know, I’m not in charge of this operation.
Teen Boy: (Storms off to bedroom)
Me: (a bit later) Have you found it?
Teen Boy: No.
Me: (Locates it in TWO SECONDS) Is it this?
Teen Boy: (sighs) Yes.
Me: (Hits him with it) TWO SECONDS! It took me TWO SECONDS.
Teen Boy: Nothing is truly lost until Mom can’t find it.
Me: You got that right.
Teen Boy: (walking out) We should take you to find Atlantis, (in a mom voice) “TWO SECONDS! It only took TWO SECONDS!”

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Parent Teenager Transcripts: Empathy

Man Child: You ran the dishwasher AGAIN?
Me: It was full.
Man Child: What? Why?
Me: All the dishes from your room, the game room and the bathroom?
Man Child: That is TOO MUCH. I am not unloading it twice a day.
Me: BTW, I saw the specialist in El Paso today and it turns out I am “interesting” and “very unusual” and I have to have a procedure soon to maybe fix my heart.
Man Child: Oh. That blows.
Me: Yes. Please unload the dishwasher.
Man Child: NO WAY AM I DOING THAT.
Me: Son, sometimes people have to do things two times. Get over yourself.
Man Child: No. NO. I’m not doing it.
Me: Might you consider comparing and contrasting the seriousness of a) you having to unload the dishwasher two times to b) me anticipating a catheter being fed up a vein to burn small parts of my heart providing they can find what they say is a *very* complex an unusual PVC?
Man Child: YOU JUST WANT ALL THE ATTENTION FOR YOUR HEART SO YOU’RE TAKING IT OUT ON ME.
Parent 2 steps in here and sends the little bastard to his room, effectively saving his life.