“Exhausted”

I wish I could say that I am just returning from a more than a year break from the internet, but that’s hardly true. I stopped fashion blogging in 2017 when I decided to run for office (State Representative: Did Not Win) and had to convince people that I am really serious and palatable. I deleted my tumblr, even. I was pretty serious about it.

Palatable is now officially over.

Everything about the world right now is fucking unpalatable so…what’s the point in being plain or quiet? There isn’t one.

After I lost my primary I spent some time recovering and started a huge new art project that will take years (especially since I’m not working on it enough right now). I started, for a second, a group I hoped would become a Political Action Committee and we had some meetings and got fired up and all that and……Then my oldest kid got fired from his job that he loved and then he got really sick.

Really, really sick. Endocarditis, undiagnosed for months (I guessed literally 4 weeks before they confirmed it), emboli to the brain (tiny bits of infection causing teensy-but-no-less-alarming-for-the-size strokes—“innumerable” is how they reported it), 7 hospitalizations in an 8 week period, a million ER visits and finally double heart valve replacement on February 11 of this year. So absolutely everything in my life stopped for that.

Then there was caring for him for the 6 weeks of recovery. And the dog had to have knee surgery so I had to take care of her, too (yes more knee surgery on a now two year old dog). Then, we went on a cruise my mother had planned for the whole fam damily and it actually took emotional energy I didn’t have to have fun because: I’m dead inside. Mostly. And that kid went back home but he’s still unemployed and broke up with his girlfriend and I’m exhausted. Really, “exhausted” should be a punctuation mark, like instead of a period each sentence ends with “exhausted”

So it’s likely no big surprise that I just lost my juju and am still feeling really directionless “exhausted” See? It kind of works “exhausted”

Then there’s the pesky issue of the world right now, and the death of Democracy and watching as my personhood and equality (which we weren’t even done getting, dammit) are, along with many others in other groups people like to be mean to, being dismantled. What do you do with your day when you are just watching the world in flames from your comfortable living room and you cannot find the person you were who ran for office who was tough and optimistic and ready to take on the world?

Maybe for the moment, the answer to that is write. Figure it out “exhausted” And then get my groove back, when I’m not “exhausted”

A Few Things No One Told Me….

…..about heart surgery.

  1. It is known to cause mood disturbances, particularly anxiety and/or depression. In other words, at least for a period of time, I apparently find everything overwhelming, worth crying about, and/or terrifying. im-not-anxious
  2. It can trigger ocular migraines and regular migraines. I had an aura 3 hours post-op, and took my Fioricet (which, for me, if taken as soon as the aura hits, will allow me to dodge the pain–but keep in mind the same process is still going on, so take it easy anyway). Three days later, I had another one–Fioricet again dodged the pain, but for at least two more days I had trouble locating words in conversation (that feeling of searching for a word you know, with a noticeable lag before finding it like it was right there the whole time). The night before last, at 12:35 am, I woke up with the worst headache I’ve had in my entire life. I thought I was having an aneurysm, but I’m alive so I guess not. I had residual headache and nausea all day yesterday. Normally I have a migraine not more (and frequently less) than once a year. 938991
  3. While they did say it would be awhile before my heart could settle into a normal rhythm (IF the ablation worked, which we won’t know for 4-8 weeks), they didn’t say, “It will be like an amusement park in there” and my heart will be unable to settle on any specific activity any more than a toddler can. Also, although I called the Electrophysiologist’s office when my heart returned to the PVC rhythm we were trying to eliminate, the receptionist just said, “It will be that way for 2 weeks.” I said, “But my blood pressure is still all over the place as well” and she said, “That’s for your cardiologist to address.” Um. A) No receptionist is qualified to answer my medical questions and B) how can these things be viewed independently? if-you-are-yzznlw
  4. Appetite changes. No one can answer my concerns about weight gain, although sometimes my fingers are too swollen to remove my wedding ring and sometimes they aren’t, so I am still convinced I am retaining fluid even if no one else is. I gained about 2 lbs SINCE the ablation, yet, I have ZERO appetite. Yesterday I forced myself to eat two scrambled eggs, one piece of birthday cake (grandbaby’s birthday) and had a cup of gross microwaved mashed potatoes. That’s it. I promise you, I weigh as much if not more this morning.

Keep in mind, my procedure was far more complex than the average ablation for PVCs, which certainly suggests that the recovery will also be longer and more complex. But if you have had something similar, and are wondering if you are crazy, you probably aren’t—they just didn’t lay it all out for you as clearly as they could have.